How to Escape 2 Life-Taking Toxic Communication Triangles
Find Your Power in Being Non-Anxiously Present
Recognizing Life-Taking Toxic Triangles
Clearly, not all communication triangles are life-taking.
Triangulation in communication can turn toxic when a third party is pulled into a conflict between two others or another person regarding some stressful situation in their life. Often, the third party (you) does not really have a direct relationship with the source of the stress.
We often learn to practice triangulation in our family of origin. You may recall deciding it was better to ask mom to ask dad (or have dad ask mom) rather than ask them directly. It can become an unconscious, habitual life pattern to avoid conflict. We begin to look to others for solutions or rescue.
Two Triangulation Patterns to Avoid
A Challenging Situation Triangle:
Your friend is pouring out their heart about a conflict. It could be at work, home with a spouse or child, an in-law, or a church that's not part of your life. Their stress level seems to be going down, but yours is growing.
A Challenging Relationship Triangle:
In this triangle, your friend explains a conflict with a third party. It might be with their partner, boss, child, daughter-in-law, or pastor. Whomever it is, they feel wronged by them. As they share, you empathize with them about their pain.
On finishing sharing their drama with you,
they may feel relieved and thank you for listening to them. "When can we meet again? I so appreciate you listening."
or they may inquire: "What do YOU think I should do about it?"
or they may directly ask or imply, "Would YOU talk to THEM for me?"
What's Toxic About Offering Support?
Being a supportive sounding board can feel good to help friends feel less stressed.
But, it can become toxic to the relationship if it is a repeating pattern. If you carry more stress away than they do, it will likely become toxic and life-taking for you.
It is not wrong to offer suggestions when friends request our opinion. The clue to becoming a toxic relationship is when their typical response to your proposal is: "Yes, but ...."
You risk taking the blame if your suggestion does not work well. They may blame you, and you may blame yourself. Both are life-taking results for everyone.
Here’s a Respectful Way to Respond
When the relationship becomes too life-taking, the temptation is to "try harder" to help them or avoid them as much as possible. Neither response is helpful for your friend or yourself.
However, you can:
Watch for the life-taking triangles in your relationships.
Catch yourself in the act of being on either corner of the triangle.
Shift a position and practice healthy communication patterns by being non-anxious and empathically present.
Practice Being Non-Anxiously Present
Use this mental picture to imagine making this shift.
Your friend or family member is carrying an armload of stress. You have your arms open, ready to take on the part of their load. Ultimately, they walk away with less, leaving you with more stress.
Imagine the non-anxiously present image, where you are listening with heartfelt empathy. Your arms are not open to taking their load of stress. You are fully present with them.
As they finish sharing, you acknowledge their high level of stress and ask them one of two questions:
If it is a challenging situation - "What is Your plan to deal with THAT?
If they are complaining about another person - "When do You plan to talk to THEM?
Then be quiet - Be empathically present but say nothing after the other person responds. There may be a long silence since the question breaks the old communication pattern.
The Gifts in Practicing Non-Anxious Presence
You are practicing and modeling a way to set healthy boundaries. Your boundary becomes more precise, and the other person may learn to set healthier boundaries in challenging situations.
You are helping the other person shift from looking outside themselves for answers or rescue. It may help them build more self-confidence in their wisdom.
Here’s a real-life example of how it can work:
My church board secretary was ready to resign.
She had a friend member who kept calling her to complain about something I was doing or not doing as pastor. It was so life-taking to her that it became toxic to their relationship. I suggested the non-anxious present practice to the board secretary.
The board secretary called me a few days later:
"I did it. I was non-anxiously present with her. I asked the question too."
"What happened next?" I asked.
She responded, "There was the longest silence. I had to bite my tongue to not say something. Then, suddenly she said had to go do some work."
“How did that feel for you?”
She sounded joyfully relieved, "It was such a relief. I can continue to volunteer and think can be friends."
Now, it’s your turn to risk breaking life-taking, toxic communication triangles.
Grace and Peace,
Here are two previous newsletters about setting healthy boundaries:
Additional resources you might find interesting:
If you know me, you know I read a lot. I decided to share more of what I’m reading that might be interesting to other readers.
Balancing Competitiveness and Letting Go on The Growth Equation newsletter.
The article is an insightful personal leadership lesson. The tragic story of how unbridled competitiveness drove Michael Jordan to hold life-long grudges for losing at anything. Contrasting is Coach Phil Jackson's story of impacting other major players with a sense of balance.
Unconditional and Conditional Love - Richard Rohr's Meditation on the value of children experiencing both kinds of love
The suggestion that "conditional love" can benefit children seems outside mainstream thinking. He makes a strong case for the long-term positive benefit of the balance.
At the Gate: The First-Christians Hermaneutic
Dr. Steve Harper is my friend and DMin dissertation mentor. His post offers insight into the early church's emphasis on inclusiveness, the priority of loving all (including enemies), and restorative justice. He cites excellent resources for additional reading.
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