What’s Been Happening, Dr. Paul?
I’ve missed sending this newsletter for some time, and you might wonder what’s been happening.
Most readers of this newsletter know that my wife, Susanna had knee replacement surgery in early December 2022.
She endured a lot of pain in the weeks leading up to the surgery, and I gradually took on the role of her “legs” to help keep up with the household tasks. That pain was nothing like the first few days after surgery. She took pain meds around the clock to keep ahead of the pain. The doctor told us she would be “helpless” for the first two weeks. Although she doubted it, he was right.
If you know Susanna, being helpless and depending on anyone 24/7 was a huge stretch. Yet, neither she nor I had many choices.
Persistent pain is so discouraging, even with pain meds. It was in my past surgeries. It was for Susanna. The post-surgery pain and ice treatment for swelling seemed, at times, worse than pre-surgery. [PS. One of the best tools I got for her (me) was an icing machine.] Then, almost like magic, everything changed at the end of two weeks.
Yes, there are still pains (especially after physical therapy), and she can’t do everything she wants without help - but we are again on the downhill side toward normalcy.
How did you survive?
Some may wonder how we survived this phase of our life. In addition to loving and being committed to caring for each other, two tools helped us: Resilience and Gratitude.
Susanna is resilient and pushes herself in physical therapy, and she is grateful for even the slightest improvement in walking. I am thankful for the strength to care for her, fetch everything she needs but cannot get herself, and all that goes with caregiving. It’s incredible how gratitude empowers and sustains resilience.
But we didn’t start building resilience and practicing gratitude after her surgery. Early in our relationship, we discovered the power of saying “Thank You.” to each other in our daily routines.
As. you’ve heard, “It’s a process.” What does the process look like?
Here are some core Characteristics of Resilient People and Practices to Build Resilience.
Don’t wait - begin today.
Characteristics of Resilient People
They Practice "Response-Ability"
Resilient people have a sense of "response-ability" vs. being a victim or helpless.
They sense their internal ability to control their responses to a life challenge. They assess their limitations and choose actions within them, thus avoiding the overwhelming trap of feeling "It's all up to me to fix this." Feeling "responsible" without the ability to "fix it" is a path to self-victimization
Without resilience, we look outside ourselves for a rescue, someone to tell us what we "should" do.
They Have a Caring Network of Vulnerable Friends/Family
Resilient people are ok with letting people know the challenge they face.
Friends and family may offer physical help or funds for short-term needs, but the most valuable gift is their empathic presence. Empathy can be a robust emotional energy exchange between people. Researchers found physical healing improves when caregivers come from a place of empathy.
Resilience is not about "being tough" or "not needing anyone."
Characteristics of Healthy Empathy
Daniel Siegel identified five aspects of healthy empathy:
Emotional Resonance - feeling the other person's feelings.
Shared Perspective - seeing through the eyes of the other.
Cognitive Understanding - imagining the other's mental experiences and their meaning.
Offering Supportive Acts - specific offers of temporary support to assist the other.
Empathic Happiness/Joy - reinforcing and validating positive feelings the other may express.
They Practice Gratitude
When we face a significant loss or threat to our quality of life, our defenses shift into fight/flight or freeze/powerless.
Our reasoning ability reduces. Defensive and isolated, our perspective narrows to "get through this." Gratitude is a powerful antidote. Expressing it slows our heart rhythm and lowers blood pressure. It boosts our immune system, reduces stress, and improves our ability to rest. It empowers feeling more alive, joyful, compassionate, and connected to other people.
Expressing gratitude empowers the resilience to shift our emotional state. We can move from fight/flight or freeze/powerless to restore optimism and energy to take our "next best step."
They Build Resilience Before the Crisis
Practices that build resilience:
Self-awareness - stay present to be aware of what is happening in your inner world and feelings.
Self-compassion - learn from mistakes and extend compassion to others.
Set healthy boundaries - in relationships and with yourself.
Stop using expectations to drive yourself.
Shift to setting aspirations within your "response-ability" - ability to respond.
Questions to ask yourself in response to a challenging experience:
"What can I change in this situation?"
"What can I do in this situation that's different than I would have done in the past?"
“What is the feedback telling me?”
“How can I learn from it?"
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