Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries - Part 2
Resources you can USE in setting healthy boundaries!
Talking about boundaries is one thing; having the tools to set them is another.
Unfortunately, the Holiday Season is a time when our lack of healthy boundaries slaps us in the face. Use these suggestions to start the New Year with clear boundaries.
Blessings,
Dr. Paul
Here are:
7 Core Areas that need boundaries set,
9 Signs to recognize Unhealthy Boundaries,
4 Steps in Communicating Clear Boundaries,
15 Examples of Respectfully Communicating Your Boundaries
7 Personal Areas to Claim Clear Boundaries
Mental Boundaries: Freedom to have your own thoughts, values, and opinions.
Emotional Boundaries: How emotionally available are you to others?
Material Boundaries: Monetary decisions, giving or lending to others.
Internal Boundaries: Self-regulation, energy expended on self vs others.
Conversational Boundaries: Topics you do or do not feel comfortable discussing.
Physical Boundaries: Privacy, personal space, your body.
Time Boundaries: How much time you spend with someone or doing something.
9 Signs of Poor Boundaries
Difficulty Making Decisions
You feel torn and don't want to displease someone.
You find yourself needing the approval of others.
You habitually make excuses to avoid making a decision “they” won’t like.
Being the "Nice Guy"
Giving in against what you really want, self-interest.
Be honest. Being the "nice person" is manipulation and being manipulated.
Ask yourself “Why is it important to be viewed as the nice person?"
You run the risk of being manipulated by others who will take advantage.
Lacking Energy to Take Care of Yourself
You are exhausted but not taking care of self.
You find yourself overdoing for others what they could do themselves - even if not perfectly as you would.
You are caught up in the "hustle culture" - justifying exhaustion to get ahead, get promoted.
Takes discernment between being responsible and overly responsible.
Obviously, you can't tell your baby whose diaper needs to be changed - again: "Sorry. I'm tired and setting a boundary, and I'm not changing your diaper the rest of this day."
Genuine self-sacrifice comes with a deep "I want to" and not feeling "I have to."
Caregivers need to plan to get support to prevent resentment for having to care to the point of exhaustion.
Feeling guilty about everything
Receiving a message as a child that: "You should have known better."
Feeling like "I've lost myself"
We start absorbing other people’s emotions: Their bad day becomes our bad day.
You over-identify with your work, job, and roles, so they become the primary source of self-esteem.
Feeling like we only exist for our children, partner, organization, job.
Risk of feeling abandoned just because children grow up.
“I was lost in my kid’s schedules, and needs, and now who am I?”
Children risk parents not letting them grow up to be independent adults.
Controlling them as if they are still children.
Feeling like "I have to be for my children what my parents didn't give me."
Reworking your issues through children risks losing yourself and rejection from them.
Sharing too much with others
Discernment needed - it’s not an either/or choice to share everything or nothing.
“Over-sharing” is sharing too much when trust has not been established.
Catch yourself sharing someone else's story and secrets - gossip, prayer requests.
Over-sharing is destructive of healthy relationships with people who have better boundaries: "Wonder who you are telling about my story."
Those to whom we overshare may feel overwhelmed with the information and feel "it's too much for me to carry or fix."
Over-sharing can be a side-effect of our earlier boundary violations.
It is often a form of a triangling communication pattern - dumping our worries on others who don’t have a responsibility to respond to the stressful situation.
It can be a "power play" to impress others by being an insider, and they are an outsider, or they are more of a victim than others.
The one over-sharing often later feels guilty for doing it.
Resenting Partner's Boundaries
Feeling like others are taking advantage of you.
Resentment often creates a double bind that results in paralysis.
Your negative response to their efforts may lead to a stalemate and nothing good happens.
Our double-binds (feeling damned if I do or don't) results in others being caught in double-binds.
Acting Passive Aggressively toward others
We react to needs/expectations not being met but don't clearly communicate them in the first place. Examples:
Stonewall - stop communicating about the "elephant in the room"
Withholding information
Suddenly stop what you have been doing without telling anyone
Making it harder for the other person to succeed
We feel frustrated with ourselves and project it onto the other person as if they caused it.
Persistently fearing rejection or abandonment
It a very common pattern - "If I don't do this then they will leave me.”
A core belief to question is: “I really can't survive on my own.”
Poor boundaries are often our fear creating ways to control and keep people from leaving.
Examples:
Giving in sexually.
Doing unpleasant tasks for others.
Eating the food you don't like.
Go places you really don't want to go.
4 Steps In Setting Clear Boundaries
Define: Identify the desired boundary.
Communicate: Tell them specifically what you need from them.
Stay Simple: Don't over-explain to get them to agree with your right to the boundary you are communicating.
Set Consequences: Say why it's important to you.
5 Examples of Respectfully Communicate Your Boundaries
Thank you for the invitation, but I have a prior commitment.
I can’t add to my task list and give quality attention to them.
I apologize. I agreed before checking my calendar. I just can’t give it the attention it deserves.
I’m not comfortable with talking to ___ about our private life.
No, that won’t work for me.
Let me check my (calendar, and family) first.
You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll weigh it carefully
I appreciate your worry. I am an adult and can make my own decisions.
Please stop yelling at me, or I will need to ___
Thanks for the offer, but I am going to decline.
I see your point, but I think differently about this.
I’d love to come, but I can only stay for an hour.
Thank you for your advice, but I’m going to try something else.
I assume we can respectively disagree about this.
Please stop. I am uncomfortable with the way you are touching me.
Blessings and Merry Christmas.
Dr. Paul and Susanna
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